


Never the right Time

by GiaUrsula



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: AID's Epidemic, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Historical, Alternative Universe - 1980's, Angst, Gay Rights, HIV/AIDS, Homophobia, Hospitals, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Neil Perry Lives, Neil is a Doctor, Period Typical Attitudes, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-27
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-10-17 12:09:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17560109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GiaUrsula/pseuds/GiaUrsula
Summary: Neil is just one of many doctor's during the AID's epidemic trying his best not to crumble as he tries to diagnose another young patient.





	Never the right Time

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, I wanted to write for this fandom again and I got the idea of Neil being a doctor during the AID's epidemic and how it would feel for him being an older gay man seeing this happen to the young generation knowing he could have just as easily been one of them. It said that the film was 1959 and I guessed they were all like 15. This story is 1984 so it's at the height of it all. Neil and Todd are both 41.
> 
> I won't lie guys, this is sad but I have tried to keep it real. This was a dark time in the gay community's history where a lot of good people were lost because of a misunderstood virus and a government too slow to act on a fast spreading disease.

Neil yawned as he looked at the clock. 10 am and he was already feeling the stretch of the long day ahead of him. He got up slowly, his joints getting a little stiffer as a stark reminder that he was now into his forties.

_Jesus_ _Christ_ _I’m getting old..._

‘’Hey Dr. Perry!’’ the familiar and heavily accented voice chirped to him.

‘’Hey Rachel.’’ he greeted back. 

Rachel was one of the new batch of interns that he had been handed off to because he was senior enough to be a teacher but young enough to not immediately hate it. He didn’t mind it all too much, feeling oddly reminiscent of Mr Keating and wondering if he was as good a mentor. 

Rachel was often the source of many crushes from the male long term patients. It wasn’t hard to see why. Her family’s Romanian roots were probably the source of her incredible exoticism. The palest skin with hair dark as night and eyes a beautiful swirl of brown and green. 

Neil almost wondered what would have happened if he had met her when he was her age.

 _Nothing,_ he humouredly reminded himself.

He liked her as much as he could in a professional role and felt a great fondness for her. Her big heart was admirable but in this job he worried it would be her undoing. That and perhaps her occasionally stiff English.

‘’We have new patient in the ward.’’ she passed the chart and he briefly flicked through the pages as he followed her.

‘’Symptoms?’’

‘’Fever. Fatigue. Headaches. Nausea. A rash. Brought in when he fainted yesterday.’’

He stopped at the door and he relied on Rachel to bring him over to the right bed.

Sat up in the bed was a blonde young man looking extremely nervous and for a moment he just stared at him. It would have been stupid to say he was Todd’s doppelganger, his lips were too thin, his nose was much more angular and he had one of those long fringed haircuts all the kids wore lately. But there was something in his eyes and manners that portrayed an almost crippling shyness. 

He recovered once he realised he must have been staring at him oddly when the young man finally met his eyes.

‘’So...’’ he found his name at the top of the sheet, ‘’Ethan. Can you tell me what’s been going on with you lately?’’

He scratched his arm and bit his lip, ’’Well erm... I started to get a fever and sweating a lot. With the headaches and feeling sick, I just thought it was flu but it kept coming and going. I’ve been erm...’’ he looked really embarrassed and lowered his voice, ‘’.... getting diarrhoea and throwing up. My throat has also been feeling kind of swollen and hurting.’’

Neil nodded, ‘’How long has this been going on for?’'

‘’A month. Maybe two. Why?’’

‘’I’d like to run a few tests. A urine sample, blood works... just so we knew where to start.’’ he smiled, hoping it was reassuring.

He didn’t know how effective it was but Ethan gave a polite one in return as he put on his rubber gloves. Rachel helpfully took that as a cue to go get a fresh syringe and bottle.

Neil pulled up a chair and grabbed the blood pressure monitor. 

‘’So Ethan... you in school?’' he asked.

Ethan looked at him oddly but Neil had quickly learned that the best way to calm a patient down wasn’t to ask but to distract them and make conversation.

‘’Erm yeah.’’

‘’Really? What do you study?’' he asked cheerfully.

‘’Photography.’’

He wrapped it around his arm but paused abruptly when he noticed rough red spots over his skin that looked like the beginning of a rash. He tried not to show a visible reaction but he felt an icy cold dread stab at his heart.

* * *

 

It was toward the end of his shift. While he was tempted to go home immediately, he found himself lingering. He knew why. His thoughts had drifted to Ethan and an anxious feeling gnawed in his stomach. Neil wasn’t stupid and all the signs were there but he was desperate for it not to be true. 

He approached his bed steadily. Ethan seemed like the type to easily be startled. The young man was entranced in a book and Neil almost wanted to laugh and ask if it was poetry too.

Instead he gave what he hoped was a comforting smile when Ethan finally noticed him and politely put his book to the side.

‘’Hello Dr. Perry. Is there something wrong?’’

‘’No no.’' he assured, pulling up a chair, ‘’You seemed nervous earlier. I just wanted to check in. Your room was on my way out.’' 

Ethan’s ward was on the opposite to the car park but he didn’t need to know that.

‘’Oh.’’ he said, picking at his fingernails, ‘’I guess I’m just worried. I thought it was the flu so I put off going to the doctor’s. That and... well cancer was what got my uncle. I guess I didn’t want to face the music.’’

Neil nodded and took it all in.

‘’Why are you really here, Dr. Perry? There’s something else you’re not saying.’'

He grimaced and stared at his patient. He reminded him of all the others. The ones who should have been free to be young and beautiful and untouched by life. Instead they died wasting away like an apple being devoured by a disgusting, uncaring maggot that left them hollow and empty.

Neil sighed deeply.

‘’Ethan, I’m asking you this as your doctor because I need to know.... are you gay?’'

Ethan looked at him absolutely stunned.

‘’What?’’ he said dumbly.

‘’I promise you it won’t leave this room. I won’t tell your parents but as a professional I need to know.’’

Ethan looked so fragile and he hated having to ask this of him because he remembered how terrifying this was at Wellton.

‘’Yes.’’ he whispered.

Neil closed his eyes and cursed under his breath, which only served to make Ethan look more on edge.

‘’What?’'

_I can’t tell him. Fuck I can’t even face it myself._

‘’Wait, do you...’’ an ugly terrified realisation struck his face like thunder and now he knew why he asked, ‘’... do you think I have AIDs?’’ 

Neil looked at him gravely, ‘’We won’t know until the full tests come back. But the symptoms you’re describing are ones I’ve seen in patients with HIV.’’

Ethan had hit a wall and Neil could tell. It was all too much at once and something just shut down. His gaze became so empty and his mouth stayed open in shock.

‘’When was the last time you were sexually active?’’ Neil marched on, hoping the kid would be a virgin.

‘’I don’t know.’’

‘’How many-’’

‘’-don’t you dare!’’ Ethan snapped, showing the first bit of anger in all of this, ‘’Don’t you dare try to imply that I am some reckless bathhouse slut who got what was coming to them! I have been in a relationship for the past two years. A committed one!’’ his tone became more indignant as he carried on, ‘’We are capable of those despite the sex crazed deviants the media likes to paint us as.’’ 

‘’I know.’’

‘’No you don’t.’'

‘’Yes I do.’' he reaffirmed and eventually when Ethan understood, he began to calm down.

‘’I don’t doubt that you were faithful but how sure can you be that he is?’’

‘’I... he loves me.’’ he falters tearfully and Neil had to bite his lip to keep his own from forming.

‘’I hope that’s enough. I hope to god it is.’'

‘’I want to sleep now. Goodnight Dr. Perry.’’

Neil got up and smiled sadly, ‘'Goodnight Ethan.’'

He walked out of the room trying to pretend he couldn’t hear the devastated cries as he left.

* * *

 

Todd usually tried to stayed awake for when Neil returned.

He often failed and it became their joke that Todd was already such an old man unable to function if he wasn’t in bed by nine compared to Neil who sometimes didn’t come home until three.

Todd’s day at the university had been rather typical. He gave his usual springtime lectures on Romanticism. It felt appropriate to timetable it as such. He’d always thought Spring as the season of opportunity and new beginnings.

Normally Neil would slide into the bed behind him careful not to wake him up but something felt off. He peaked his eyes opened and woke up quickly when he noticed Neil’s tear stained cheeks and quivering bottom lip. 

He sat up quickly and said his name softly.

Immediately his partner fell into his arms and cried on his shoulder in big heaving sobs. 

Todd held him tight and stayed the silent rock he needed. Todd could wait for an explanation in the morning, right now he would hold Neil until he had nothing left and his exhaustion caught up to him.

* * *

 

Neil was leaving another patient’s room when he overhead the conversation his interns were having at the receptionist desk.

‘’So they think he’s got AIDs?’’ Trent asked bluntly.

‘’Maybe.’’ Rachel shrugged.

Trent scoffed, ‘’Note to self, avoid the butt pirate on my rounds.’'

‘’If they didn’t sleep around they wouldn’t have problem.’' 

Neil couldn’t take much more and made his presence known. The two of them startled and straightened immediately.

‘’Sir.’’ Trent greeted respectfully.

‘’If we have a smoker with lung cancer, do we not treat them?’’ he asked swiftly.

Rachel actually looked ashamed whilst Trent just looked embarrassed to have been caught.

‘’If a patient tries to hang themselves, do we just leave them on the rope? Do we refuse insulin to fatties with diabetes? How about next time we have a drunk driver, we just let them burn?’’

‘’Dr. Perry...’’

‘’We have a duty of care. You both took a vow to help save the lives of whatever patient comes through those doors so I don’t wanna hear about whether you think they’re worthy of your help because it doesn’t matter. Do your goddam job.’’

Before he could hear whatever else they had to say, Neil walked away. He’d never once taken that tone with them. Even when they’d made mistakes, he gently showed them the error of their ways and they were thankful for his approach but this was all too close to home. Too close to home in the sense that his personal life was spilling into his work and keeping the two separate was getting hard to manage.

* * *

 

He was pouring over Ethan’s results in the staff room, making sense of them, when he saw a coffee cup placed in front of him. He looked up to see an apologetic Rachel standing there awkwardly.

Neil stared at her and nodded at the seat in front of him and she took it.

‘’I’m sorry. About earlier.’’

‘’Are you sorry for what you said or that you heard it?’’

He knew he was being pushy when she was trying to apologise to him but he wanted to know. He wanted to know how quickly it would take for her to turn on him if she knew that the second bedroom in his apartment was left unused by the other ‘’bachelor’’ he shared it with. How quickly she would say it was his own problem if he was the one infected.

She looked rather taken aback by his interrogation but answered honestly.

‘’Both. You made me think and you had a point. I will treat Ethan because it is vow I took. Thank you for reminding.’'

He sighed and sat back, ‘’I’m glad you came to that mindset but it might have been unnecessary after all.’’

‘'How come?’’

‘’His bloodwork's came back. His WBC is really low. If he had HIV they’d be elevated because his body would be fighting off the infection.’’

She sat back, ‘’Huh. So the fevers, headaches, fatigue, the nausea...’’ 

‘’The throat.’’ he added, tapping below his jaw, ‘’He complained about it hurting. I think he was talking about his lymph nodes. I can’t be sure because there are a lot of crossover symptoms but I think he has Hodgkin lymphoma. Not HIV.’’

‘’So he has Cancer.’’ she finished heavily.

‘’Possibly. Twenty years old and he might have cancer...’’

She looked at him pitifully and he couldn’t even find it in him to lie, ‘’It’s moments like this in your career that are really gonna suck.’’

She reached over and held his hand, giving him a kind smile.

This world is gonna tear you apart and you don’t even know it yet.

* * *

 

When Neil entered Ethan’s room, he was quick enough to see the withdrawing hand of the man next to him. One similar to him in build and age, who he assumed to be the boyfriend. His doubts were confirmed when he saw the loving concern that poured out of them as he stared at Ethan in the hospital bed.

He took in a deep breath and prepared himself trying to remain hopeful that they had caught it in it’s early stages.

* * *

 

Dinner when he returned home was a rather morbid affair. He wasn’t all that hungry but Todd had insisted and for all the times he has to force Todd to look after himself, he figured he’d give him this one time of his own.

Todd was a rather decent cook. Much better than Neil at least. He’d made a Chicken soup and Neil was grateful it was a light meal. He didn’t know how much he could stomach it.

‘’I’m sorry about your patient having cancer.’’ Todd tried to offer comfortingly. Before he could say more Neil surprised him.

‘’I’m not.’’

Todd looked at him confused. It wasn’t in Neil’s nature to be callous or uncompassionate. 

‘’It’s so messed up but I was so grateful that it was cancer and not HIV.’’ he brushed away a tear but only more came in it’s place, ‘’Because it meant not having to spend months throwing cocktails of pills at him and praying to god it would work. It meant not having to hope he wouldn’t get to the stage where he’d be cold all the time. Hoping that he wouldn’t be one of the patients we had to feed through a tube after the sores around their mouth made it too painful.’’

Todd just stared at his partner’s agony in silence. Neil had seen so much in the recent years as the epidemic got worse and he could see it was killing him, one patient at a time.

‘’And this kid Todd... god he just reminded me of you so bad. All I kept thinking was if we were born twenty years later....’' the words kept choking in his throat as he talked but he couldn’t hold back any longer.

‘’This isn’t what it was supposed to be like. Things were supposed to get better, they _were_ getting better and now all these kids are dying and I can’t help them!’’ he threw his bowl at the wall and it smashed so violently at the force Neil threw it.

He stared at it in shock. His hands were shaking and he hated how worried Todd was looking at him. It reminded him of the early visits at military school when the only thing that he wanted to stay alive for was to hear poems from the boy he was so in love with wrote just for him.

Todd approached him in a way that reminded him of someone around a bear.

‘’I’m sorry.’’ he apologised tearfully.

Todd shushed and held him. Neil held on as tightly as he could, the only thing balancing him being this wonderful human being who had been by his side since they were fifteen. Who he had been in love with since he was standing in front of him, eyes shut tight, using that heart of his to say such beautiful truth in a classroom filled with lies.

Even now that bright blonde hair had faded and Neil had been spotting more grey hairs by the day. He wondered what future they would have together when their hands were as wrinkled as his parents’. 

Neil hoped it was one with a better future for boys like them born too early and those boys in the hospital who hadn’t been born late enough.

**Author's Note:**

> To anyone who was affected at all by this, I really did try to handle this delicately and respectfully because this is a part of history that has always saddened me. Medical wise I did try to do my research and it turned out there were a lot of crossover symptoms between Hodgkin Lymphoma and HIV and how both are detected so sorry if it isn't accurate because I wrote this in a 3am mad dash. 
> 
> (For anyone wondering what happens afterwards. Ethan gets surgery early on enough to remove the cancer and he goes on to become a well known journalist photographer. Neil becomes more of an activist in campaigning for against HIV/AIDS discrimination while Todd is just there quietly representing the community through his poetry. And of course they get married when it's legal)
> 
> Anyway I hoped you enjoyed this, I want to write more for this fandom and I genuinely care about this topic so I just wish I did it justice. Let me know what you thought.
> 
> Thanks for reading :)


End file.
